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Apr. 5th, 2015

butterfly

(no subject)

I'm nervous.  That wanting to pace around, run, walk, work-out for hours type of antsy.  Tuesday afternoon could be a rejection.  I have my grad school interview.  I'm not from their department so they don't know me.  Which means I'll be analyzed like a bug under a magnifying glass.  I have an idea of what they will ask.  But what if my answers aren't good enough?  My academic record is great, but they need more.  Can I give them what they want?  Will they be lenient if I admit I'm nervous right away?  Will they like me?  I still have to do all the work, all they need to do is say yes.  And for the next 42 hours all I have are my own nervous thoughts.  Chasing each other around in my head...

Feb. 8th, 2015

butterfly

(no subject)

Enigma.  That's what my councelor called me after our first meeting.  First she asked what brought me there, then about school and life.  Finally came the dreaded question about what my childhood was like.  And I told her-the moving, the beatings, the molesting.  She asked if I hated my mom for not protecting me.  I never did.  I was never angry with her for that.  She was a victim too.  She asked how was I not an angry, hateful person.  I told her I used to be.  But one day I just didn't want to be that person anymore.  Rage and hate are so incredibly tiring and draining to hold onto.  To spend everyday carrying them around inside destroys you a little bit everyday.  I didn't want to do it anymore.  I was tired of being bitter.  I knew there was more out there.  I knew I could find happiness and peace if I just let go.  Now of course the happiness didn't happen overnight.  But it was there.  And I found more and more as each day passed.  Now here I am, 15 years later.  I'm in a good place.  There are still bad days and bad moments, but I try not to dwell on them.  I like being happy.  I like finding the beauty in every day.  I like being positive.  I like being inspired.  I am a work in progress.  And I can't wait to see where I end up.

Jan. 4th, 2015

butterfly

(no subject)

I am finding the not knowing why to be the worst part of anxiety.  I am the type of person who color codes their planner, who writes down everything in it including grocery runs.  I keep notepads on the desk so I can keep mini-lists of things to do for the day, or things to do for the week that don't necessarily have anything to do with school.  I keep track of what I need to do, check it off when done, and only procrastinate on the rare occasion.  All this organization and list keeping helps me two-fold: knowing what needs done and how long I have to work on it, and keeping my stress down with a visual of my accomplishments as each item gets checked off.
My mini-list is almost completely checked off.  Classes haven't started yet so there's no assignments in the planner.  Yet I've had two anxiety attacks this week. But I don't know why.  I don't have any exams or papers to be worried about.  Rush week and all the newbies at work starts in the next few days, but I've done this for three years (that's 9 rushes and 9 sets of newbies) and have so much muscle memory that I can do 3-4 things at a time.  I have some medical bills coming up, but I've looked at the claims and it's all very managable.  They aren't actually due yet, and the clinic is really good at working with people on payment plans.  Two popular theories are that now that I've had anxiety I can't just have normal stress without my body thinking it needs to push into overdrive; or that it's about graduation/grad school/what comes next.  Here's the thing, I already know what program I'm applying to, have already done my first grad application, and now just need to narrow down the other schools to 3 or 4 more.  The letters of recommendation will come when school starts back up.  A little bit of time looking over old papers will give me writing samples.
But the anxiety won't let me know what it's worrying over!  I can't address the issue or take care of it if I don't know what it is.  And an attack at 2 am makes it a bit hard to do anything other than try to control my breathing and not completely freak out because it's 2 AMIcanbarelyholdmyselftogethertrytobreathkeepfromtensingupneedtobeupinfourhoursforworkpainnoonetotalktowhywhywhy.  I am a problem solver.  Not knowing what I'm supposed to solve is driving me crazy, which makes things worse.  I don't look forward to coming home and being alone anymore.  The quiet doesn't relax me it just lets thoughts of anxiety creep in.  And forget going to bed and leaving it for tomorrow!  I can't go to bed until I've read, painted, or been on the computer until I can't keep my eyes open and am already starting to pass out where I sit.  Even then it's not a sure thing that I'll sleep without an attack.
And the thing it that right now should be a time of excitement and celebration.  In 16 weeks I graduate!!!!  Four years of hard work, stress, knowledge, eagerness, boredom, and every other myrid emotion that make up college are almost over.  I've been running a marathon and just came around the last bend to finally see the finish line.  I did it!  I will be a graduate, the first in my family.  I want to celebrate my accomplishment!  I want to a chance to be ecstatic about what I've done!  I deserve that.  I get to move on to the next stage of my life.  I get to choose the next phase in my education.
So why can't my happiness and excitement overwhelm the anxiety? 

Dec. 31st, 2014

Graverobber

Change

I don't celebrate New Year's.  I never really understood the whole standing around waiting for a ball to drop or making resolutions, which are most often broken inside a month.  That being said, while I sit in my pajamas at home, it is a good time to reflect on the past year and even look ahead to the coming year.
2014 had it's good and bad as does every year.  I was very uninspired in school, not working nearly as hard.  Work in the second half of the year was rough to say the least.  I had a lot of stress, and unfortunately anxiety attacks.  I became disillusioned about grad school and finding a program that I would fit into.  I was able to go home and spend a fantastic week with my family.  Spending time with my neices, nephew, mom, and one of my brother's is always a balm for my soul.  As is getting to spend time in the outdoors among the trees, wildlife, open skies, and mountains.  I had a 4.0 semester and even became part of the Golden Key International Honour Society.  I've taken on a great deal of responsibility and duties at work.  I started looking outside of my field for grad school programs and found one that calls to me much more.  I've submitted my first grad school application.
But mostly I've looked back over my time at school, which is almost over, and taken stock.  I've had boring classes and amazing classes.  I have learned so much and also realized that in some ways  I already knew the amount I wanted to.  And I have made some of the most incredible friends.  They inspire me, give me strength, motivate me, pick me up when I fall, cheer me on, and allow me to inspire them.  They are the greatest gift I have recieved while in school.
Looking into 2015 is full of promise.  I will graduate with my BA in Anthropology.  I will be the first college graduate in my family.  Against many odds, struggles, and journies I will have my degree.  Knowledge.  A voice.  A story.  I will also start grad school.  I will have a chance to expand my knowledge, share my story.
This year I would also like to get back my inner peace and balance.  Talk to my sister.  See my other brother.  I will continue to spend time with my friends.  Going home to see my family is a must.  Take up painting again and get back into photography.
It is the time to shed the old skin and be reborn with the new one.  Let go of past mistakes, stresses, and habits.  Move into each day with a smile and the knowledge that we can begin anew.  Namaste

Dec. 22nd, 2014

Graverobber

(no subject)

Dentist today.  Went very well.  Everything looks good.  He thinks I most likely have TMJ, which is overexertion of the jaw joint (mine is most likely incomplete healing of the joint from having my wisdom teeth removed combined with possible clenching or grinding from stress), and should try a mouth guard on my lower jaw for a couple of weeks at night to see if it helps.  Otherwise a very good visit.  Then I offered to go into work.  I did have the day off, but I need the money and there's so so much to get done.

Even though it was cold this morning, it was sunny and clear out.  Which means I could see all the way to the lake from the dentist's office.  It was quite pretty with the lighthouse out there and the sky and lake turning into a smudged horizon.

Dec. 21st, 2014

Graverobber

(no subject)

Today was a good day.  I woke up feeling better than I have for awhile.  I even went most of the day with minimal anxiety or symptoms.  It's been almost a month and a half since the anxiety started and it hasn't really gone away.  But today it was on the back burner which was awesome!  I also applied to my first grad program today!  The actual application only took about 10 minutes to complete.  Now I start working on statement of purpose (school specific since I already have a rough draft), letters of recommendation, and writing samples.  I also need to decide which other schools to apply to.  Right now I'm looking at Museum studies programs.  After some contemplating I feel this area will give me a little more leeway to study more of the subjects I'm interested in, instead of just choosing one to study intensively for the next two years.

Side note: I bought cinnamon sticks yesterday and I have one steeping in boiling water right now and it smells fantastic!!!

Trevor has been extremely helpful with the grad school search finding schools that I never would have found on my own.  He keeps me on track with realizing my search needs to also consider jobs and where I want to live.  And I am truly thankful that he continues to stay my friend since he often gets me at my worst, either from stress or anxiety.

Dec. 14th, 2014

Graverobber

(no subject)

it's scary not knowing who you are anymore
when did i become someone who let's fear dictate my life
all the things i've done
all the places i've gone
all the changes i've made
fear didn't stop me
now anxiety has grabbed ahold of me
and i am crippled
there is a constant heaviness in everything i do
even everyday activities
it takes the joy and adds gray to it
it takes calm and adds unrest

Oct. 17th, 2014

Graverobber

Time goes by

Wow.  So here we are, my senior year of college.  The last time I wrote here was my freshman year.  I've made some good friends.  And lost some people I thought were friends.  I've learned a few things, though I'll admit not as much as I had hoped.  I have become very disillusioned in the last year or so.  I've only had a few classes that I truly enjoyed and learned in.  College is a political beast.  At least CSU is.  I'm working on my senior project which went from something I really cared about to something that just needs to be done because it has changed so much from what I originally wanted.  I also need to decide what grad programs to apply to.  Either way this leg of the journey is coming to a close.  It's been a long four years and I will look back on them with bittersweet fondness.

Feb. 8th, 2011

butterfly

This is what you paid for?

I do not understand the concept of paying for classes and then spending the time on your computer playing games, chatting, editing photos, etc.  Why waste money?  Why waste time?  Why be so disrespectful, not only to the teacher, but the other students trying to learn?  If you just want to play on the computer all day stay home!!  It's so fucking annoying *grrr*  If you spend $300+ on something, isn't it normally something that will be used?  You're roughly wasting $350 per credit hour.  You get up, get ready, come to class for what?!  So you can play a game on the computer?  That has nothing to do with class?  Or chat with all your friends-pretty sure those aren't going to be questions on the exams.  Grow the fuck up children. 

Feb. 4th, 2011

butterfly

A tisket, a tasket

What is a tasket anyway?

It's been a number of years since friday meant time off.  And, well, it still really doesn't.  Granted I don't have to get up early for classes (yay!), I do have quite a bit of homework to do.  Some online homework assignments that are due by sunday night, some chapters to read and notes to take.  Also a bio lab report; these I have to do every week =0/  Which means research mode!  It's about prokaryotes.  And while given lots of info., we have to answer some questions which means about 4-6 hours of reading (depending on how quickly you can find source material) that gets turned into a two page report.
Luckily my copy of 'Repo!  The Genetic Opera' came in the mail today!  I will have this lovely dark gem to keep me company all weekend long.  And I will most likely annoy people by singing the songs randomly while looking stuff up in the library ;0)

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