The sadness of it all

money; yes i know cliche, but i want to own my own business so i need lots of money.

There's so much to do. At any given time there's something going on you just have to look for it!

yes, i feel very unappreciated at my job

we move in, we move out. one moment to the next. one life to the next. sometimes stopping and helping. sometimes being helped by another. never knowing who will touch you or who you'll touch. fix yourself or fix another it doesn't matter. live, laugh, stop the regrets from piling up. do what you gotta do for you. don't step all over someone else to feel better; karma is a bitch. make amends, build new bridges, get rid of what brings you down, fight for what makes you happy.

move in, move out. endless fog. a thinning here, a slight lift there. can do this in my sleep. to bad i'm awake. neverending movements over and over. how did it get this far.

photography

i am a dork. i love reading and watching movies. i have a soundtrack for my life that is ever changing. i am hot. i am cold. i am love and hate; living and dying. i am screaming inside my mind. i am a caress, or a slap in the face. i am breathing, feeling, hurting, laughing. i am building you up then knocking you down. i am filling you up and leaving you empty. i am all. i am nothing. i am me.

just got done talking to my mom. turns out she has tendanitis (sp?)"tennis elbow" from the accident. she's doing physical therapy and should be fine after a while. they also found a third fracture in my sister's hip. i'll find out more when i talk to her later. she also needed to consult with a NY lawyer because they'll know all the ny laws better. and the guy from the second car that hit us is saying we were out in the road so it's our fault. ok dumbass, we went off the road then got hit. if we were out in the road it's from the first car that hit us which we had no control over. glad a lawyer is doing all this and not us. though carmen and i still need to do our actual follow ups. she needs to see an orthopedic surgeon and i need my physical. and i did wake up happy.

shiny eyed and butterfly stomach-i am seriously crushing!!!

so i took the weekend off to sort of unwind and stop. after two weeks of nonstop with paperwork, phone calls, and work i was ready to snap. but now i'm ok. i got some more phone numbers to call to see about getting a check up. i'm going to leave shortly and make some copies of papers they might need (insurance and stuff). then i'm going to work. i'm only looking forward to it because i'm working with one of my favorite girls. otherwise i'm a bit fed up with the lakewood store. but i'm really enjoying filling in at the rocky river store. and i've been talking to this guy for about a week and it's been really nice. he contacted me instead of me chasing him-which is a nice change. the last few guys i pursued turned out to be jerks. and he could be too, but he had the good sense to start talking to me so he already gets points! that's all the time i gots for know kiddies.

So effing annoyed by people sometimes. You'd think hospitals, clinics, etc. would be jumping up and down with joy by the fact that all they have to do is send in any bills I accrue to Nationwide and BAM they're getting paid. But no. After a week of paper work, copies of everything under the sun, and me specifically saying I need a follow-up physical for insurance purposes I got a call yesterday saying the clinic can take me on as a patient but they don't handle insurance claims so I need to do this all over again with someone else! I was so pissed. And of course they called right before i had to go to work so I couldn't get a hold of anyone else. This sucks so bad. I just want someone to fix my hip!!! It's getting paid for! Why is this so hard!

so tonight is going to be my first day back at work in over 2 weeks. i'm a little nervous. it's sorta like when you were in school. after that long holiday break the first day back there was that mix of giddiness and butterflies. or after summer vacation. part of you is going "did anyone miss me? what if i forgot everything? will everyone have better stories to tell?" and i admit, i'm not sure if i'm up to it. walking around yesterday was ok, but i was quite sore when i got home for the night (went to see Sweeney Todd-awesome). so i don't know how my hips and knees will hold up to 5 hours of standing. i might need to break my rule and bring some pain pills with me.

the holiday season; oh how i hate you. listening to the same five christmas songs over and over. and the remakes! who thought "rudolph the red-nosed reindeer" would sound good as a dance party usa remix? and it's the same songs no matter where you go. makes me want to hurt something. and people! why does everyone think they can use the "stress of the holidays" as an excuse to be mean, rude, and stupid. i'm sorry you think i'm deaf, dumb, illerate, etc. but seriously. nobody asked you to come into their store and be cranky. your stress is NOT my problem. get over it or stay at home. and people, sequined christmas hats? no.

i bite

scorpio is my sign. it's a fairly accurate description. I don't believe in those daily horoscopes like in newspapers and such. but astrology and the stars, planets, rotations-those are much bigger than you or I. of course, if you believe in horoscopes do you believe in palm readers, divination, runes? do we have a preconceived destiny that was written in the cosmos when we were born? what do you think?

I'm watching the original Battlestar Galactica. The one from the late 70s. Wow. The little boy keeps running off and no one notices. The one fighter pilot is addicted to everything except drugs. The Cylon armor is super shiny; and they have swords AND lasers. There are giant bug creatures. Weird dog cyborgs. Not to mention the cheesy dialog and horrible acting. And I still have another hour to go. So sad.

so I was told to act my age today. which got me thinking. how does one act their age? growing up you always hear that age is just a number or you're only as young as you feel. then there are "milestones"; certain ages where you should be getting ready for college, setting up interviews for careers, going to work everyday in an office from 9-5, getting married, starting a family *shudder*, setting up college funds, going to PTA, getting retirement ready. who decided there were certain ages for this events? who decided on these ages? it made sense centuries ago when the average life span was only three decades. but now? most people are taking 6+ years to finish college. being able to take just a few classes at a time has changed the average collegiate life. many women are establishing themselves in careers before starting families. what is normal for any age now? is having your own apartment at 18 normal? is living at home at 22 normal? is getting your degree by 22, taking a year off, then going back for a masters normal? is taking the chance to see the world instead of going to college normal? is living at home, going to school, and working two jobs normal? at what age should you stop being able to laugh? when should you stop dancing? when should you give up your dreams and become society's drone? at 28 i still like to laugh, tell bad jokes, sing along to my favorite songs. does that mean i'm immature?

so i just got done paying bills. it's depressing how fast my money goes to appease the government on all its levels :(. on the bright side, i just got my birthday presents from my mom. i have a fuzzy winter hat! i tried it on and started laughing. it's pretty but not something i would have picked for myself. i guess that's what mom's are for. not really anything else going on except work. my little jo-jo will be coming home for vacation soon; i can't wait! ooh, i recently joined netflix so i could catch up on tv series. just finishing up season one of supernatural. has anyone seen this show? it's alright so far. sorta buffy, angel, the dresden files, x-files all rolled into one. i wouldn't mind a little more explanations on some of the things they go after, but the effects are good. and the banter between the two brothers is pretty funny.

my mom and my sister are such jerks. they both like to do those forward messages; you know send this to so many people or don't break the chain. they both sent out halloween ones this week. i like scary movies and all so i looked at them. i think i almost had a heart attack. my skin tried to crawl off me, my heart started racing in a marathon, and i had to fight the urge to scream. first my sister sends a seemingly harmless follow the dot around the office. after about five screens it goes to a full screen close up of the exorcist laugh and all. now anyone who knows me knows that i still have nightmares about that movie. i haven't seen it in oh 18 years and it still creeps me out to my very core ( and considering i'm not religious that is something). so i tell my mom about it today and she's all sympathy. then she sends me a supposed ghost car ad. the story is it was filmed in britian, when they went to edit they noticed a white mist following the car in the middle of the day, did some research and found out someone had died on that stretch of road. you're supposed to look closely at the mist and see if you think it's a ghost or not. there is no mist. it's just supposed to get you close to the screen so when the scary thing runs at the screen and screams you have a heart attack. nice. this is my family. so if anyone ever wonders what's wrong with me there you go.

ps: happy birthday to me

Happy birthday to me!!! okay so it's a few hours early yet but who's counting. i've been reading my text book and taking notes for about three hours and decided to take a break. This is my break. Writing happy birthday to myself ;).